Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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