I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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