I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
