Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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