well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
