Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
