I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
