obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she peed on how many people?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
