i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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