gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
