I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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