I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
