In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
