Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
