In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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