I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize