I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
