I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
