I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
