hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
