The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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