Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
