Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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