the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
