He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
