so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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