I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
