I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
