she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
