I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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