I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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