found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
