i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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