Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
