he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it's like iHOP with fire
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You're like the curious george of whores
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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