I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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