2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
