and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
