So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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