I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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