God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it hurts more in the daytime
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
