Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There r osticjed everywhere
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
