Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
