I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
