I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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