if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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