; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm so fucking centered right now
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
