"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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