Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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