sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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