i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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