There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
