Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
