Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
