yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
