loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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