Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
