as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
