This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize